Depression is a constant in my life, and sadly I've learnt to accept it as part of who I am, but not my defining feature. Regardless of how I feel on a day to day basis, there is always an underlying emptiness which never disappears. Distraction can help, but when I'm alone with my thoughts, be that at night or during the working day, that's when it hits me the hardest, and it's awful. Sometimes it's an effort to even get out of bed in the mornings. And even when it goes away temporarily, I can't enjoy it because I know it will come back... Many thanks to Emika for promoting awareness of this important issue, and much love and support for any of you experiencing similar issues!

Sin tristeza, ni felicidad. Es una nube gris opacando el impulso de vivir.

Depression has been my constant companion throughout my entire adult life. But it has become a case of boundaries: where do I end and where does depression begin? I am unsure of who I am; my identity. Over time the boundaries have become like liquid and I know now that if I lost depression I would possibly lose myself completely. To lose demons you sometimes lose angels. I don’t have many angels but I am scared to lose the few I have. And so depression is a part of who I am and who I have become.

抑郁症不是你的阴暗面。他在你之外,他是一个非常了解你的朋友。他不停地和你说话,好让你无法和其他人交谈。他参与你的每一个生活细节,从地板上的发丝,到因为撕破皮肤而多处流血的手指。你在深冬夜晚一个人开车回家的路上大声地自言自语,泪水不断涌出而让你看不清道路,你似乎没有感觉,因为那感觉并不是疼痛,你似乎又有恨的感觉,因为一切都不能讨好你,你认为 一切都滑稽可笑,甚至令人作呕。你不想要拥抱和同情,你只想逃离自己的身体,逃离现下的空间,甚至时间。你不明白自己为什么存在,也不明白怎么样撤销现存的一切。你没有决定权,你那么无助。

A numbness, void of feeling, of experience, of detail, and yet tainted by irrepressible melancholy, tangible merely by its presence amongst an absence of sensory processing. The self-knowledge of impotence, the battle lines of depression so prescient and present beyond existential, but with only an inner murmur, tone deaf and stripped bare, with which to fight back. Debilitating! Suffocating! Dehumanising! Horror!

Дорогая Эмика, хочу поделиться своей историей на родном русском языке. Раньше я считала, что всё в голове, что, если тебе плохо, достаточно пересмотреть взгляд на своё состояние, что не нужны никакие антидепрессанты, врачи, ты можешь справиться со всем самостоятельно. И я не понимала свою бывшую девушку, которая часто испытывала депрессию, ходила к психотерапевту, радовалась жизни только под действием антидепрессантов. Спустя время, я поняла её. Я не узнавала себя, я чувствовала себя жутко несчастной, плакала по поводу и без повода. И ловила себя на мысли "раньше я умела радоваться". Теперь я понимаю, что зерно меланхолии давно было заложено во мне. Теперь я не думаю, что, если ты много плачешь или испытываешь несчастье, то с тобой что-то не так. Сейчас я принимаю и переживаю все эмоции, именно это принятие помогает легче воспринимать грусть и радость. Всего тебе замечательного!

My depression felt like a large deep hole I was never going to get out of. It was all consuming and dragged me away from any kind of normality. I felt suspended in time and that no-one understood what I was going through. I felt so lonely, even in a crowd. I felt useless.

Depression feels like nothingness; like you've forgotten how to feel. Every happy event in your life is muddied by it's tendrils and every sad event is brightened and boldened as if to say "this is what your every day life is". It makes you forget about the little things, and about all the people who care about you. Nothing matters.

Para mim a depressão se manisfestou como uma grande perda de energia vital e de autoestima. Tive chance de melhorar quando revelei para família e amigos como de fato me sentia...

My depression is a cloudy morning, a state of complete paralysis where time stands still, the epitome of nothingness.

I think the best explanation I've come across about depression, is the feeling of being pressed down.. de-pressed. Something heavy, working against you, being carried around. I can't say if I have had this or not, but a layer of anxiety was hovering above really deep intimate feelings of sadness which I didn't want to deal with and it manifested over time. Turning it all into music somehow was a way of making something horrible into something beautiful.

Minha depressão olhou pra vida com os olhos de quem não quer mais viver. Tornou o meu mundo cinza e tirou o sentido de tudo que um dia foi importante. Falo dela no passado porque tive que percorrer um longo caminho pra tornar meu mundo colorido de novo.

I experienced a terrible depression throughout 2017, after recovering from manic psychosis. When I am depressed I sleep an awful lot, and my dreams become a form of escapism. Waking up was always awful, but if I could awake maybe three times in between different dreams, it almost felt like I was experiencing something worthwhile. The moment I could not get back to sleep was when the nightmare began. Longing for death, unable to comprehend anything like excitement... I would sit there and try to imagine what could rouse me. Even fractals and faraway planets were trite and meaningless. I did feel a special closeness to a higher power at that time. I had utmost faith in God even though he was responsible for my torment. Oddly, when I am happy and lucid I'm an agnostic who doesn't respect God if he does exist...everything becomes hard work.. The thought of standing upright in a shower and washing yourself is incomprehensible, and I managed to about once every three weeks. Washing was harder than planning and writing a dissertation. I'm struggling to even put myself back in that person's shoes. Usually quite a giddy person, who lives for laughter and can honestly say I went an entire year without so much as even smiling. Anyway, I'll stop it's making me shudder thinking about it! Hopefully never ever again!

Тоска по каждой прожитой минуте и ощущение пустоты впереди

The outside world is like grooves a lesson from my deceased grandpa. I realize, when I'm down and fragile, when depressed that I look back to time, source, the environment and memories Every day a new opening,a new mission on many levels.. it gives a meaning to my being And then the truk At this point the groove, the history, the past memory and others memories at that time the courage comes. to write about my depression and reach out to other depressed I'd say depression becomes bigger because of time, memories, environment I tend to miss myself, And then I get weak

Депресијата е голема, празна и црна дупка која толку силно притиска во градите, силно боли, но недозволува ни солза да пуштиш.

Deprese je jako velký černý pes, který chodí všude s tebou, nikdy jsi si ho nechtěla pořídit ale stejně si lehne ke všemu co máš ráda. Deprese způsobená samotou a neschopností navázat a udržet kvalitní vztahy mě potkala v období, které možná může být tím nejlepším v našem životě. Od 26 let se člověk musí srovnávat s tím, že přišel o většinu přátel, potýká se s pochybnostmi o smyslu čehokoliv o co se pokouší. Místo ochutnávání společně uvařených jídel je Fluzak, místo objetí jenom přikrývka, místo spousty sexu jen hodiny zbůhdarma proležené v posteli a místo sdílených vteřin prázdné dny. Probouzet se je skvělé. Nejhorší je usínání.

Депрессия - это когда ты уже ничего не можешь делать. Но при любом состоянии, я всегда занималась музыкой, выражалась в ней. Думая об этом, музыка и есть моя депрессия как и мое лечение, мой придуманный священник, слушающий и принимающий все что я говорю. Слушая свою музыку, я понимаю, что она о смерти и безнадежности. Об одиночестве и невероятной тоске. Почему? Я не знаю, но знаю что без музыки бы не прожила.

Она то, что есть в моем маленьком мире. Не важно, как я не хочу ее замечать, она никуда не уйдет...

My depression feels different every day. It’s lonely, overwhelming, inhibiting and misunderstood. Like a thousand eyes are watching but I still can’t be seen. An endless cloud overhead, even on the brightest of days. It consumes and diminishes all that makes me... me.

Depression is a constant in my life, and sadly I've learnt to accept it as part of who I am, but not my defining feature. Regardless of how I feel on a day to day basis, there is always an underlying emptiness which never disappears. Distraction can help, but when I'm alone with my thoughts, be that at night or during the working day, that's when it hits me the hardest, and it's awful. Sometimes it's an effort to even get out of bed in the mornings. And even when it goes away temporarily, I can't enjoy it because I know it will come back... Many thanks to Emika for promoting awareness of this important issue, and much love and support for any of you experiencing similar issues!

Sin tristeza, ni felicidad. Es una nube gris opacando el impulso de vivir.

Depression has been my constant companion throughout my entire adult life. But it has become a case of boundaries: where do I end and where does depression begin? I am unsure of who I am; my identity. Over time the boundaries have become like liquid and I know now that if I lost depression I would possibly lose myself completely. To lose demons you sometimes lose angels. I don’t have many angels but I am scared to lose the few I have. And so depression is a part of who I am and who I have become.

抑郁症不是你的阴暗面。他在你之外,他是一个非常了解你的朋友。他不停地和你说话,好让你无法和其他人交谈。他参与你的每一个生活细节,从地板上的发丝,到因为撕破皮肤而多处流血的手指。你在深冬夜晚一个人开车回家的路上大声地自言自语,泪水不断涌出而让你看不清道路,你似乎没有感觉,因为那感觉并不是疼痛,你似乎又有恨的感觉,因为一切都不能讨好你,你认为 一切都滑稽可笑,甚至令人作呕。你不想要拥抱和同情,你只想逃离自己的身体,逃离现下的空间,甚至时间。你不明白自己为什么存在,也不明白怎么样撤销现存的一切。你没有决定权,你那么无助。

A numbness, void of feeling, of experience, of detail, and yet tainted by irrepressible melancholy, tangible merely by its presence amongst an absence of sensory processing. The self-knowledge of impotence, the battle lines of depression so prescient and present beyond existential, but with only an inner murmur, tone deaf and stripped bare, with which to fight back. Debilitating! Suffocating! Dehumanising! Horror!

Дорогая Эмика, хочу поделиться своей историей на родном русском языке. Раньше я считала, что всё в голове, что, если тебе плохо, достаточно пересмотреть взгляд на своё состояние, что не нужны никакие антидепрессанты, врачи, ты можешь справиться со всем самостоятельно. И я не понимала свою бывшую девушку, которая часто испытывала депрессию, ходила к психотерапевту, радовалась жизни только под действием антидепрессантов. Спустя время, я поняла её. Я не узнавала себя, я чувствовала себя жутко несчастной, плакала по поводу и без повода. И ловила себя на мысли "раньше я умела радоваться". Теперь я понимаю, что зерно меланхолии давно было заложено во мне. Теперь я не думаю, что, если ты много плачешь или испытываешь несчастье, то с тобой что-то не так. Сейчас я принимаю и переживаю все эмоции, именно это принятие помогает легче воспринимать грусть и радость. Всего тебе замечательного!

My depression felt like a large deep hole I was never going to get out of. It was all consuming and dragged me away from any kind of normality. I felt suspended in time and that no-one understood what I was going through. I felt so lonely, even in a crowd. I felt useless.

Depression feels like nothingness; like you've forgotten how to feel. Every happy event in your life is muddied by it's tendrils and every sad event is brightened and boldened as if to say "this is what your every day life is". It makes you forget about the little things, and about all the people who care about you. Nothing matters.

Para mim a depressão se manisfestou como uma grande perda de energia vital e de autoestima. Tive chance de melhorar quando revelei para família e amigos como de fato me sentia...

My depression is a cloudy morning, a state of complete paralysis where time stands still, the epitome of nothingness.

I think the best explanation I've come across about depression, is the feeling of being pressed down.. de-pressed. Something heavy, working against you, being carried around. I can't say if I have had this or not, but a layer of anxiety was hovering above really deep intimate feelings of sadness which I didn't want to deal with and it manifested over time. Turning it all into music somehow was a way of making something horrible into something beautiful.

Minha depressão olhou pra vida com os olhos de quem não quer mais viver. Tornou o meu mundo cinza e tirou o sentido de tudo que um dia foi importante. Falo dela no passado porque tive que percorrer um longo caminho pra tornar meu mundo colorido de novo.

I experienced a terrible depression throughout 2017, after recovering from manic psychosis. When I am depressed I sleep an awful lot, and my dreams become a form of escapism. Waking up was always awful, but if I could awake maybe three times in between different dreams, it almost felt like I was experiencing something worthwhile. The moment I could not get back to sleep was when the nightmare began. Longing for death, unable to comprehend anything like excitement... I would sit there and try to imagine what could rouse me. Even fractals and faraway planets were trite and meaningless. I did feel a special closeness to a higher power at that time. I had utmost faith in God even though he was responsible for my torment. Oddly, when I am happy and lucid I'm an agnostic who doesn't respect God if he does exist...everything becomes hard work.. The thought of standing upright in a shower and washing yourself is incomprehensible, and I managed to about once every three weeks. Washing was harder than planning and writing a dissertation. I'm struggling to even put myself back in that person's shoes. Usually quite a giddy person, who lives for laughter and can honestly say I went an entire year without so much as even smiling. Anyway, I'll stop it's making me shudder thinking about it! Hopefully never ever again!

Тоска по каждой прожитой минуте и ощущение пустоты впереди

The outside world is like grooves a lesson from my deceased grandpa. I realize, when I'm down and fragile, when depressed that I look back to time, source, the environment and memories Every day a new opening,a new mission on many levels.. it gives a meaning to my being And then the truk At this point the groove, the history, the past memory and others memories at that time the courage comes. to write about my depression and reach out to other depressed I'd say depression becomes bigger because of time, memories, environment I tend to miss myself, And then I get weak

Депресијата е голема, празна и црна дупка која толку силно притиска во градите, силно боли, но недозволува ни солза да пуштиш.

Deprese je jako velký černý pes, který chodí všude s tebou, nikdy jsi si ho nechtěla pořídit ale stejně si lehne ke všemu co máš ráda. Deprese způsobená samotou a neschopností navázat a udržet kvalitní vztahy mě potkala v období, které možná může být tím nejlepším v našem životě. Od 26 let se člověk musí srovnávat s tím, že přišel o většinu přátel, potýká se s pochybnostmi o smyslu čehokoliv o co se pokouší. Místo ochutnávání společně uvařených jídel je Fluzak, místo objetí jenom přikrývka, místo spousty sexu jen hodiny zbůhdarma proležené v posteli a místo sdílených vteřin prázdné dny. Probouzet se je skvělé. Nejhorší je usínání.

Депрессия - это когда ты уже ничего не можешь делать. Но при любом состоянии, я всегда занималась музыкой, выражалась в ней. Думая об этом, музыка и есть моя депрессия как и мое лечение, мой придуманный священник, слушающий и принимающий все что я говорю. Слушая свою музыку, я понимаю, что она о смерти и безнадежности. Об одиночестве и невероятной тоске. Почему? Я не знаю, но знаю что без музыки бы не прожила.

Она то, что есть в моем маленьком мире. Не важно, как я не хочу ее замечать, она никуда не уйдет...

My depression feels different every day. It’s lonely, overwhelming, inhibiting and misunderstood. Like a thousand eyes are watching but I still can’t be seen. An endless cloud overhead, even on the brightest of days. It consumes and diminishes all that makes me... me.














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Falling In Love With Sadness

Dear Fans,

/s/ /s/

Thank you for visiting my page.

/s/ /s/

I would like to invite you to share your experiences of depression and mental health. You can write anonymously and in your own language.

/s/ /s/

By pre-ordering my album, you will also be supporting Music Minds Matter, a 24/7 service that helps musicians through tough times.

/s/ /s/

Thank you for sharing!

/s/ /s/

Emika ♥

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Falling In Love With Sadness